suse52

 Treading a line between love and hate,
Ours lives in your hands or those of fate.
A choice to live or a choice to die,
Battling against that same old lie.

Fighting to live in this pain filled way,
Daring to breathe in these endless days.
Hoping the people around us won't see,
That we're just waiting for the day where we can be free.

Just some lame poem I wrote a while ago but yeah felt like posting something

Hey guys this is just a really quick post to let you know that my laptop is finally back up and running...hopefully i will post a proper update soon once i've had a chance to catch up on reading all you guys posts.

So I'm going away tomorrow, well actually today seeing as it's like 1.30am. I've been away before but it's never been completely on my own like this even when I went to Sri Lanka it was with people I knew and ones i didn't but still I wasn't on my own. I don't know why my mum seems to have so much trust in me and didn't even think for a second about how I will cope on my own. My counselor however did pick up on it and asked me if I had any coping strategies, I told her some things but if I'm truthful I'm scared that I will slip, so what it's only a week I can fall far in a week and if I do it will take a long time to get back up again. Part of me wants to slip and be bad again so I know that I really have the right to say I'm depressed but I know that I can't afford to mess up right now I need to make it look like I'm trying to keep going because I don't wanna lose my chance of getting into Mercy. I think I mentioned it in another post but the reason I'm going is to do a driving course and then take my test on the friday, I need to be concentrating on that not on all my rubbish mental health issues but I don't know, this is such a stupid entry that doesn't make sense I guess I'm just scared that I won't cope or that I'll fail and I'll prove to everyone that I'm pathetic...Erm I guess prayer would be appreciated to make sure it goes ok especially on the friday when I take my test...thanks

None of you guys want me to update do you, it's cool i know that no on really gives a damn and even if they did will be much happier with i'm doing fine..

I don't know whereabouts my CD is so I can't write anymore of the lirics than that but it just felt so apropriate for today.
I woke up this morning with my mum telling me she was leaving for work and a penguin being thrown at me shortly followed by a polar bear, I wasn't dreaming as strange as it sounds it really did happen. Not the best way to be worken up especially as I had barely any sleep last night and it was filled with yet more strange and kinda scary dreams.

Today is my day off and I totally didn't know what to do with myself, usually I just mope around the house and don't do much of anything but I made myself walk into town to pay in a check I had. As soon as I stepped outside I was struck by the beauty and warmth of today, the sun is shining and everything just seems amazing because of it. Right now I'm sitting in my garden enjoying the wireless internet on my laptop and just listening to the sound of the birds. I'm not usually the type of person who is happy to just sit and reflect but being here right now I'm filled with a sort of peace that I don't often feel and can only come from God.

When I stepped outside this morning I realised that today really is a new day and that is such an amazing thing. It means that I get to leave behind all the rubbish things I've done and start to move on to fulfil my potential. I know that people have been trying to tell me this for years but I've never quite got it before. My church leader was talking on sunday about how we as humans forget things so easily but that God can remember everything, so when he says he has forgotten our sins it is not us forgetting it is becuase he has chosen not to remember, that's something that only God can do and something that we really need to honour him for. It's kinda a challenge for me because there are so many things that I hold against myself that cause me to be this shadow of who I could be, but the things that I can't let go of God has already forgotten and if God doesn't remember them what right have I got to keep hold of them?

I might add to this later when I've had a chance to just hang out with God and read my bible cause I'm sure that there are some great verses to go with what I'm saying. I just realy wanted to post this tho because it means that it becomes more than just a thought and I can choose to live out what I say. I want to put more energy into being the person God created me to be and accepting the love that people have for me, it might sound obvious but it has taken me this long to realise that if I stopped putting so much energy into pushing people away and trying to get the attention I need I would actually have more energy to work at accepting the attention people already give me! I know that it is not gonna be easy but healing and recovery never is, but I know that I am so lucky to have a group of friends that will help me out along the way by praying and being there so Thankyou...

We all no how it goes "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans to prosper and not to harm, plans to give you a hope and a future" It used it be one of my favorite bible verses until I started adding (this excludes me) onto everything the bible said. Recently I've been really challenged by some of my friends to get into the bible more and that's led to me praying more.

I guess you guys no that I've been looking for a job, I put aplications and CVs into all the places in the town part of Farnham but I only had one response. I had an interview with them just over a week ago but I needed to hear back so I prayed about it and asked that if God wanted me to get this job then I needed to hear back from them by tuesday this week or I would have to start looking for a job again, last night I got a call telling me to come in for a trial shift tonight, if they like me tonight then I get the job!

I'm left feeling amazed by the way that God is working in my life right now, even though this isn't the way I wanted things to be God still works for good in my life even down to the tiny details like finding a shirt to wear in town today. Even though I haven't got the job yet and still might not I don't care because I'm happy and safe in the knowledge that God is working for good in my life so he will provide the right job for me.

I've never really felt like this before just so completly numb that I'm not sure if being dead would be any different. I'm not hurting like I usually do I'm just being. I don't want to do anything, I'm not hungry but at the same time I feel so empty that I eat something just to try and fill the massive whole that's forming inside me. I start thinking that I want to cry but nothing comes of it like there is no emotion left just tiredness and futile existance...

Thought I would let people know that I'm still here...collage is going ok, im okish and i can't really think of anything to write lol...adios

Am I really that good a liar that people can sit there saying how good I'm doing in this stupid sketch that I hate dispite the fact im practically in tears and havent been saying anything apart from the lines in the script for the whole evening. I'm having a rubbish week or couple of weeks but no one even notices...man my friends online who i've never even met are more clued up and perceptive than the people around me! If I just stopped going places and cut off all contact from people i don't expect many people round here would notice. Even my mum thinks I'm fine so hey i'll just keep up the pretence that everything is fine and dandy and that i'm not slowly self-distructing, killing myself from the inside and the outside at some point the damage will meet and it will be over and everything will be good and all right again.